You're lying right? 

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Shouldn't have go today, i seriously should have freaking walk away after the first set. Why did i stay to make myself feel worse? Gosh i hate writing how pathetic i am there, it feels like self-pity- but i still am anyway LOL. And i'm too trying hard to play fine. But really you guys played well altho we still lost. Its kinda nice and consoling to know that the team is just better off without someone like me. Hah i have 2 more bloody years, by then everything would in fact be so much better. But would things get worse when its least expected to be? Gosh i don't wanna know. And if i ever gets worse, well maybe in fact by then it wouldn't be since i expected it. 

Don't put me on court when you think i'm not needed. Don't have to make up for what you've forgotten the last match. I don't think its nice of you doing that. Don't give us false hopes, its making me feeling really screwed up. I don't need to be your evidence of what you promised others you would do. If you think i'm lousy, say it. If you think i'm not worthy of this team, tell me. I'll leave automatically, but just don't keep me holding on when you plan to give up on me right from the start.

And i hate feeling distant and disgusted with someone you used to be so close with, this feeling kinda sucks. I hate seeing you with what we've been through and i find it disgusting. I hate it when you talk and joke with me because i don't know whether to laugh along or walk away. I hate it when you smile at me and i just gotta fake it. I hate being thrown away and judge as what you think i'm not so good in. I thought we were friends, why the hell do i feel so threatened when i'm with you? Sorry for feeling this way, i thought i could manage. I don't know. I wish we weren't so close, so i'll just see you in the way i used to like and accepted. And if we weren't so close,the little things you do, won't hurt me as much as it did.

Feels retarded huh? I worked so hard for something i thought i was damn good in, then suddenly an injury was all it took to prove you guys. To prove you guys how i can't do stuff because of what i am so scared of. And my sprain ankle was what it took, to push me to my lowest. And a setter became a attacker, i admit she's good. But what about the people who tried so hard for what they thought they were good at? What about those people who wants to try out something else? Why she gets the chance, and why don't we? Why can she hold on the ball for so long without getting scolded? Why can she sit there and rest there for so long when i can't even take a break. Oh my gosh is this biasness OOPS i saw through your actions, silly me.

Let #14 be the bench sitter cuz the bench looks pretty lonely.